I spent most of my teen years ignoring my father's complaints about my lack of, what he called, discipline. I was convinced (like every other teenager. perhaps) that he didn't know what he was talking about. Having lived on my own terms for the last four years, I've had every opportunity to make of myself what I will. I realized some time ago that I'd ended up cultivating some of the very habits he tried to insist on. In other areas, I've continued to go in a direction diametrically opposed to the one he pointed towards. Needless to say, this was rather intriguing, if not puzzling. So, I embarked on an attempt to take stock of what I've done with my life over the last four years and to understand better some of the things I've done.
Let me begin with a confession.
Four years ago, I was rather lost, unsure where my life was going. I knew on a deep level that I was passionate about science and that I should give research a serious try before making any decisions - but it was nothing more than a blind charge really. I felt like I'd not accomplished anything worthwhile and that in turn, led me to question who I was. I had a lot of questions and no way to really answer any of them. And, I constantly felt under pressure... to succeed, to live up to expectations. I've always been one to deal with my issues on my own - so, I pretended to be cocky, even arrogant, just to hide my fear and vulnerability. I knew even then that sooner or later facts would have to be faced, questions answered. I told myself that graduate school would be the time for that... I would use the opportunity and the freedom of being away from everyone and everything I knew to find myself.
The approach I came up with for this journey of self-discovery is one that I have previously described in some detail (see Empirical existentialism). I took up a back to basics approach:
On a physical level, I decided to go about achieving health and strength through effective management of food, sleep and exercise. I regularized my eating habits to eat three meals daily and the effect was a reduced but more consistent appetite than before. I also decided to indulge my liking for good food - particularly coffee, chocolate, vegetables and fruits while consciously avoiding soda and junk food. Pretty soon, I didn't crave the latter any more because I'd realized how bad they tasted - who'd want to drink a quart of coke when one can enjoy a nice single malt or a glass of fresh fruit juice? I took up kung fu, racquetball and hiking - activities I enjoy immensely which just happen to also provide exercise. Along the way, I had to deal with a pesky herniated disc in my lower spine... a painful experience both physically and financially but one I learned much from nonetheless. The resolution of that problem was neither instantaneous nor complete... to compensate for this, I began a daily stretching and calisthenics regimen. The net physical result is that I've gotten lighter (from 225 lbs to 166 lbs), faster, stronger and healthier... I finally feel like I'm getting into the physical condition necessary to live the life I want.
After much introspection and retrospection, I realized I needed to reevaluate the way I related to other people and to find avenues to channel my creative energies. With respect to the former, I set about playing reductionist, severing all non-essential and/or counter-beneficial ties from my past. Along the way, I started making new ties, picking up some very good friends in the process. As for the latter, I tried my hand at several hobbies including writing, sketching, hiking, photography, reef-keeping and kung fu. I gave up on sketching because it didn't feel like a natural way in which to express myself and I've indefinitely shelved reef-keeping purely because of financial and time constraints. Other than that, I've managed to stick with the other hobbies. In trying to keep up with the physical demands of kung fu, racquetball and hiking, I've had to push myself to the limits of my physical/mental endurance and beyond... and every step I've taken past what I thought were my limits has shown me something of myself I did not previously know existed. Passions of mine I'm glad to have indulged are reading, especially comic books and graphic novels, music and movies. The resulting changes are even more dramatic than my physical transformation - I've never been as happy, confident or at peace as I am now. I've also managed to largely rein in my previously wild temper. But most importantly, I've stopped feeling like an outsider all the time. While I may never be one to immerse myself in the thick of things as far as society is concerned, I've certainly grown more comfortable in this world of man that I inhabit. I've grown comfortable with the notion of being a member of the human species and that's saying a lot. All that being said, I've still got a ways to go... so, I'd better get on with it.
Let me begin with a confession.
Four years ago, I was rather lost, unsure where my life was going. I knew on a deep level that I was passionate about science and that I should give research a serious try before making any decisions - but it was nothing more than a blind charge really. I felt like I'd not accomplished anything worthwhile and that in turn, led me to question who I was. I had a lot of questions and no way to really answer any of them. And, I constantly felt under pressure... to succeed, to live up to expectations. I've always been one to deal with my issues on my own - so, I pretended to be cocky, even arrogant, just to hide my fear and vulnerability. I knew even then that sooner or later facts would have to be faced, questions answered. I told myself that graduate school would be the time for that... I would use the opportunity and the freedom of being away from everyone and everything I knew to find myself.
The approach I came up with for this journey of self-discovery is one that I have previously described in some detail (see Empirical existentialism). I took up a back to basics approach:
- I would deconstruct myself down as close as possible to the very core of my being and then build myself back up.
- In order for my quest to be fruitful, I would have to pare myself down in both body and mind, eliminating as much of the undesirable and the non-essential as possible.
- Such a process is, by definition, infinite. More importantly, there would be a learning curve to even making a real start. I expected this to span between a few months and a few years. For this reason, I would not check my progress for at least the first year or two.
- Finding oneself entails locating and exceeding one's limits - mentally and physically. I find these to be best accomplished in solitude. I decided for that reason to skip explaining my actions to people. If bonds were strained, if bridges were burned... I would ascertain on a case-by-case basis what losses were acceptable.
- The implementation of this decision would require that I learn to dispassionately consider how people regarded me and my actions - in some cases people I had valued/continue to value significantly. And, often I would be required to not react to these opinions.
- Lastly, but perhaps most important of all, I could not permit myself any laxity in assessing myself. I would be my own harshest judge and critic.
On a physical level, I decided to go about achieving health and strength through effective management of food, sleep and exercise. I regularized my eating habits to eat three meals daily and the effect was a reduced but more consistent appetite than before. I also decided to indulge my liking for good food - particularly coffee, chocolate, vegetables and fruits while consciously avoiding soda and junk food. Pretty soon, I didn't crave the latter any more because I'd realized how bad they tasted - who'd want to drink a quart of coke when one can enjoy a nice single malt or a glass of fresh fruit juice? I took up kung fu, racquetball and hiking - activities I enjoy immensely which just happen to also provide exercise. Along the way, I had to deal with a pesky herniated disc in my lower spine... a painful experience both physically and financially but one I learned much from nonetheless. The resolution of that problem was neither instantaneous nor complete... to compensate for this, I began a daily stretching and calisthenics regimen. The net physical result is that I've gotten lighter (from 225 lbs to 166 lbs), faster, stronger and healthier... I finally feel like I'm getting into the physical condition necessary to live the life I want.
After much introspection and retrospection, I realized I needed to reevaluate the way I related to other people and to find avenues to channel my creative energies. With respect to the former, I set about playing reductionist, severing all non-essential and/or counter-beneficial ties from my past. Along the way, I started making new ties, picking up some very good friends in the process. As for the latter, I tried my hand at several hobbies including writing, sketching, hiking, photography, reef-keeping and kung fu. I gave up on sketching because it didn't feel like a natural way in which to express myself and I've indefinitely shelved reef-keeping purely because of financial and time constraints. Other than that, I've managed to stick with the other hobbies. In trying to keep up with the physical demands of kung fu, racquetball and hiking, I've had to push myself to the limits of my physical/mental endurance and beyond... and every step I've taken past what I thought were my limits has shown me something of myself I did not previously know existed. Passions of mine I'm glad to have indulged are reading, especially comic books and graphic novels, music and movies. The resulting changes are even more dramatic than my physical transformation - I've never been as happy, confident or at peace as I am now. I've also managed to largely rein in my previously wild temper. But most importantly, I've stopped feeling like an outsider all the time. While I may never be one to immerse myself in the thick of things as far as society is concerned, I've certainly grown more comfortable in this world of man that I inhabit. I've grown comfortable with the notion of being a member of the human species and that's saying a lot. All that being said, I've still got a ways to go... so, I'd better get on with it.
